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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25474669">Crack The Midwife</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sisterjulienne/pseuds/sisterjulienne'>sisterjulienne</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Call the Midwife</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crack Fic, Everyone is LGBT, F/F, F/M, Other, i dont even know, lots of swearing, not serious at all i promise</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 12:02:04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,811</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25474669</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sisterjulienne/pseuds/sisterjulienne</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>this is a crack fic so expect a LOT of chaos but i really hope it makes you laugh :)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bernadette | Shelagh Turner/Patrick Turner, Delia Busby/Patsy Mount, Lucille Anderson/Valerie Dyer, Patrick Turner &amp; Timothy Turner, Trixie Franklin/Barbara Gilbert, Valerie Dyer &amp; Patsy Mount</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. are you OUT OF YOUR MIND??</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this fic is like, half a modern au but also inspired by the time ctm is set in, so try to keep up ;)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was an early morning at Nonnatus House: Home of The Queers, as the nuns walked to the dining table from the chapel to join the other midwives. Then, suddenly Sister Julienne noticed a certain ginger nun missing from their little group, only to find Sister Winifred sat in the centre of the dining table, throwing glass at everyone surrounding her.</p><p>''SISTER WINIFRED WHERE IN THE MOTHER FRICKING FRICK IS YOUR WIMPLE'' Sister Evangelina screamed as she located the nearest mug and pelted it at the younger nuns head, everyone did a loud gay gasp, as Delia stood up dramatically to deliver a heartfelt monologue.</p><p>''WHAT IN THE NAME OF PEMBROKESHIRE AND EVERYTHING SHEEP IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW???? I, A PROUD WELSH LESBIAN HAPPILY MARRIED TO PATSY MOUNT (ME) AM NOT STANDING FOR THIS, THERE HAVE BEEN TOO MANY BLOODY EPISODES WHERE I HAVE BEEN SHOVED INTO A WEE CORNER, JUST BECAUSE MY LOVER DEPARTED WITH HER CONCERNING LARGE NEST OF HAIR AND DYING FATHER, I LOVE YOU ALL CARIADS BUT I DEMAND SCREEN TIME!!'' Our beloved Delia was practically red in the face after this, only to turn around and see Trixie and Barbara having a full on makeout session in the corner and SIster Winifred took to spewing her guts out in the cake tin.</p><p>This set the whole gang off into a chaotic mess, as Sister MJ (she abbreviated it to sound cool) took her whole ass hand and ripped the leg of one of the chairs, and proceeded to hit Patsy with it. </p><p>''WRONG GINGER!!!!'' Sister Julienne screamed while doing the conga with the entire Turner family, Valerie an</p><p>Everyone lost the plot a little bit at this point and Phyllis started ranting about the gays</p><p>''I FEEL LEFT OUT!!! EVERYONE ELSE HAS ANOTHER LOVER AND MISS HIGGINS HAS BEEN IGNORING ME FOR A WEEK STRAIGHT AFTER I SANG DESPACITO TO HER WHILE COVERING HER IN ROSE PETALS'' </p><p>A single beat of silence went by until a very feminine scream was heard, followed by a rather loud bang (and this time it wasn't val and lucille). the whole gang ran to the noise and realised their beloved Trixie had thrown herself down their very large and VERY wooden staircase.</p><p>''FRICKS SAKE!!!'' Trixie sceamed as she saw a massive tear on her dress, and the collar tore to reveal a FAT hickey Babs left as a result of them finding out Tom had decided to move away to the country of heteros..</p><p>Between the screaming of Trixie, the sound of Sister Winifred throwing up her breakfast after finding out gay people did in fact exist, and Delia shouting out random funny noises they discovered to be the Welsh language, everyone heard Sister Mary Cynthia quietly in the corner singing Dancing Queen by ABBA. </p><p>Now this, this really set our dear Valerie the heck OFF </p><p>''EXCUSE ME YOU LITTLE  R A T'' She began, grabbing the nearest medical bag that was perched on a table near the steps, ''THE HIT SINGLE 'DANCING QUEEN' BY ABBA, WHICH ME AND LUCILLE HAVE HAD SEVERAL MAKE OUT SESSIONS LISTENING TO, WASN'T EVEN RELEASED UNTIL 1976 AND I ONLY KNOW OF IT BECAUSE PULLING PINTS AT ME AUNTIES PUB GAVE ME MAGICAL FUTURE TELLING POWERS THANK YOU VERY MUCH CHICK'' She finished, pressing the tiniest kiss to Cynthia's head.</p><p>And on that note, she took the medical bag in her hand and victoria yEETED that mother fricker out the glass window of Nonnatus House: Home of The Queers (which they did in fact, get trademarked)</p><p>''Valerie sweetie, i think you're over reacting just the teeniest little bit'' Trixie said with the cutest most ADORABLE PRECIOUS ANGEL SMILE EVER </p><p>'uh i wouldn't start if i were you- i still remember the bowl cut'' Valerie snapped back like the hot goddess she is </p><p>ABSOLUTE HOURS OF SCREAMING AND CHAOS PASSED, EVENTUALLY SISTER WINIFRED WAS THROWN OUT OF THE WINDOW IN PHYLLIS'S ROOM BUT NOBODY REALLY CARED LMAOO SHE WAS HOMOPHOBIC </p><p> </p><p>''fRICKS SAKE'' Sister Evagina screamed. ''ITS QUIET TIME TO MY FELLOW NUNS''</p><p>All of the other sisters burst into tears, sonmetimes being a religious goddess took it's toll, apart from Sister J of course, shes an absolute angel and was only crying because she fell over the carpet and smashed her whole ass body into the tv, safe sto say Sister MJ was MEGA FUMING. </p><p>''are you OUT OF YOUR MIND???'' They all heard Lucille shout, which made our little sensitive angel Sister Julienne burst into tears yet again</p><p>Everyone raced into the kitchen to see that weird little man Cyril sprawled across the floor sobbing hysterically, it turned out he'd tried to kiss Lucille, and she ended up kicking him in a not so pretty part of his anatomy.</p><p> </p><p>Finally all residents of Nonnatus House: Home of The Queers sat for their evening meal, everything seemed normal until yet another issue graced their household,</p><p>''wait..'' Patsy started, face scrunching up adorably in confusion, ''wHO HAS BEEN DELIVERING BABIES FAT HEADS FROM THEIR MOTHERS UM.. PARTS, TODAY??'' </p><p>Safe to say everyone was fuming, and all to be heard throughout the night was the smashing of dinner plates, gay noises and Cyril sobbing underneath the kitchen counter.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Grounded</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>this chapter is focused around our fave friendship group, trix and her lover babs, and our favourite ginger patsy. it's very chaotic once again</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this is my second ever fic and it's a bit all over the place but in the best way possible</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Life at Nonnatus House: Home of The Queers™ was chaotic enough as it is, and Sister Julienne was absolutely DONE with throwing bible's at everyone, and was struggling to find a way to enforce some normality around here, so she decided to ground them all (lmao unluckyyy).</p><p>Trixie, Patsy and Barbara were all locked in a room together, because they were causing quite a lot of chaos (and sister j threw in babs to get her to confess her love to trix pretty much) and then Val and Lucille were put together (gay things ABSOLUTELY happened). Phyllis was allowed to keep working because she threw the homophobic cowardly ginger nun out of her bedroom window, something the other nuns found to be an act of God. Sister Hilda and Frances were both given gold stars because they are ABSOLUTE PRECIOUS ANGELS WHO DESERVE THE WORLD AND NOT A TEENY BIT LESS) Sister MJ got a gold star anyway because she deserved it, and honestly did you really think Sister Julienne was gonna ground Sister Evagina, pLEASE SHE'D LITERALLY BREAK DOWN THE DOOR OF HER ROOM, so she got a gold star too.</p><p> </p><p>Now, who are we to blame for this grounding you ask??? Well, after the other day's scenario probably everyone, but what really set everyone the frick off was Trixie. It's quite hard to explain why, but, Trixie and Patsy got into a full on scrap, and this is how it went. </p><p> </p><p>Trixie was sat in the kitchen chatting to her fellow gays, Sister Julienne, Babs and Phyllis, when Patsy STORMED IN like the bad bitch she is.</p><p> </p><p>''BEATRIX MARILYN MONROE LOOK ALIKE FRANKLIN!!'' Patsy stormed right to her and smacked her right on top of her head</p><p> </p><p>''GET THE FRICK OFF OF MY HAIR YOU GINGER LESBIAN'' She replied, dramatically standing up as the chair FLUNG BACK and Phyllis gasped spanishly </p><p> </p><p>Sister Julienne was on the verge of loosing her absolute marbles and decided to pipe in, ''EXCUSE ME WE'RE ALL GAY AND I DO NOT APPRECIATE MY CHAIRS BEING VANDALISED I ALREADY LOST ONE LAST WEEK WITH SISTER MONICA JOAN RIPPING THE LEG OFF'' </p><p> </p><p>Patsy was practically red in the face at this point, ''SHE RIPPED THE LEG OFF THE CHAIR AND PROCEEDED TO BEAT ME WITH IT''</p><p> </p><p>''SHE MEANT TO HIT SISTER WINIFRED BUT THE GINGER HAIR CONFUSED HER'' Sister J replied, getting more confused by the second, but still trying to defend herself.</p><p> </p><p>Trixie piped up yet again absolute queen ''PATSY'S NATURALLY BLONDE ANYWAY AND HER MAGICALLY GOING GINGER CONFUSED US ALL!!''</p><p> </p><p>''TRIXIE I WOULDN'T EVEN BRING UP HAIR IF I WAS YOU, THAT BOWL CU-'' </p><p> </p><p>''YOU FINISH THAT SENTENCE PATIENCE AND I'LL BEAT THE GINGER OUT OF YOU''</p><p> </p><p>Phyllis once again gasped spanishly, honestly everyone forgot she was there lmao unproblematic lesbian queen.</p><p> </p><p>''Nurse Mount,'' Sister J began in a calm manner, ''What was the issue with Nurse Franklin, that you found it necessary to come in here screaming, my dear?''</p><p> </p><p><em>Oh shit, </em>Patsy thought, <em>How am i meant to argue with her when she says 'my dear'? i literally want her to adopt me ngl</em></p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>''DELIAS BALD'' </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>a single beat of silence.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>''SHE FUCKINGWHAT'' Sister Julienne shouted, surprising everyone</p><p> </p><p>''my beloved Delia, has not a single strand of hair on her head, thanks to Nurse Franklin putting chemicals in her shampoo''</p><p> </p><p>''They're not chemicals!!! They're HERBSSSSSSSSSSS''</p><p> </p><p>''BALDING HERBS APPARENTLY'' </p><p> </p><p>Barbara then walked through the door to Nonnatus, after delivering 17 babies all by herself QUEEN SHIT I SAY</p><p> </p><p>''CHRISTS SAKE VALERIE!! CAN YOU AND LUCILLE STOP MAKING OUT FOR 30 SECONDS SO I CAN GET PAST AND GO TO THE CLINICAL ROOM PLEASE''</p><p> </p><p>''sorrybarbaraweloveyou'' they said in unison as they walked into the kitchen, holding hands ;)</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>xxxxxxxxx</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>''so, where is the poor lass now??'' Phyllis asked, finally she does something else but gasping in spanish</p><p> </p><p>Patsy replied, glaring at Trixie, ''She's in the bathroom, she was trying to stick her hair back to her head with pva glue.''</p><p> </p><p>Phyllis run up the stairs in a speedy way, and knocks on the bathroom door, ''Lass are you alright?'' she asked in such a sweet way it made me want to cry </p><p> </p><p>''NO PHYLLIS I HAVE NO BLOODY HAIR ON MY HEAD, I LOOK LIKE AN  E G G'' Delia replied sobbing</p><p> </p><p>Suddenly they heard a commotion going on downstairs, lots of screaming and the sound of smashing things (which is never good at Nonnatus House: Home of The Queers™) </p><p> </p><p>Phyllis ran down the stairs yet again, and Delia refused to open the bathroom door because she didn't want anyone to see her in this state ''I LOOK LIKE A COMMUNIST'' she recalled her saying</p><p> </p><p>She walked in to notice Sister Julienne missing for a moment, and Patsy was on top of Trixie in the most violent and NOT SEXUAL WAY possible, and Val and Lu were in the corner snogging each others faces off .. yet again</p><p> </p><p>Barbara was in the corner stabbing a photo of Tom, and muttering violent words.. nobody even dared ask to be honest</p><p> </p><p>After Sister Julienne came back, they spent the next 20 minutes or so pulling each girl off the other, and Barbara well.. she was, managing i supposed. </p><p> </p><p>They threw Val and Lu in together, to do whatever the hell they pleased - and the sudden playing of ABBA's 'Dancing Queen' left the other lot knowing to leave them alone.. gAyyy</p><p> </p><p>The other 3 ladies were screaming at each other, but the door was locked and that was not there issue anymore.. now it was just poor Delia to attend to, the rest were fine until another day.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>if you like this please leave kudos because it makes my wee heart happy&lt;3</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i promise the other chapters will be longer, and honestly this is absolute chaos i hope you laughed at least once! &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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